Dating To The Glory Of God

December 1, 2025 • Dustin Butts

This article was written as part of the December 2025 Perspective Journal.

I’m not a dating expert.

I took my junior prom date to dinner at Subway. It was inside a gas station. It’s a long story.

My first date with my now wife, Jamie, took place just outside the Dallas airport and lasted about 15 minutes. She brought me Taco Bell during a layover. I gave her a book on the spiritual disciplines. Again, it’s a long story.

Sadly, I could keep going. But to save myself any more embarrassment, I’ll assume you get the point.

I’m not a dating expert. But thankfully, I don’t need to be, and neither do you. To date to the glory of God and to counsel those who are seeking to date to the glory of God, we don’t have to be experts. As in every area of Christian life, what we need is a clear understanding of what God says about dating, what it is, and what it’s for. What I hope to show you in this article is that dating to the glory of God is dating done in accord with God’s Word.

TAKING OUR CUES FROM THE WORD

Sadly, far more Christians take their cues from the world than from the Word when it comes to dating. This is due in large part to the fact that we don’t think the Bible has much, if anything, to say about dating. Sure, it speaks a good bit about marriage. And, yes, it mentions betrothal (which, honestly, seems a little weird to our ears, and is more akin to engagement than dating). But does it really have anything to say about dating? The answer to that question is a resounding, “Yes!”

The Bible has far more to say about dating than we typically think. Does it ever use the word dating? No. Does it ever mention the concept of dating? No. But does that mean it has nothing to say about dating? No. In 2 Timothy 3:16–17, the Apostle Paul tells us that, in his Word, God has given us everything we need to live for his glory. And that means the Bible contains everything we need to date to the glory of God.

In what follows, I want to offer ten biblical principles that ought to guide our understanding of what it means to date to the glory of God. This list isn’t exhaustive,¹ but I hope it helps to give you a vision for dating that looks less like the world’s and more like the Lord’s. Let’s consider what God has to say about dating.

TEN BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES FOR DATING TO THE GLORY OF GOD

1. Understand the purpose of marriage.

Before a Christian begins dating, he should ask himself a question: “Why do I want to date?” My guess is that most single Christians would say they want to date because they want to be married. And that’s the right answer to the question. The desire to date should flow out of a desire for marriage. But that’s not the only question we need to ask.

A second, and more important question (assuming you get the answer to the first question right) is this: “Why do I want to get married?” This question typically reveals what’s truly driving the desire to date. You might desire to be married because you’re lonely and long for companionship. You might want to be married because you want children. You may want to be married so that you can enjoy the gift of sex without experiencing the guilt and shame that come from seeking it anywhere else. These are all good things. But, in and of themselves, they aren’t good reasons to start dating. That’s because they all fall short of God’s primary purpose for creating marriage. They aren’t what marriage is ultimately about.

Marriage is ultimately about displaying the glory of God to the world by living out a flawed but faithful picture of the gospel of Jesus Christ (Eph. 5:22–33). As Marshall Segal explains, “Marriage is about knowing God, worshipping God, depending on God, displaying God, and being made like God. . . What makes marriage worth having is that you, your spouse, and those around you see more of God and his love in Jesus.”² God gave us marriage, not primarily to satisfy our desires and make us happy, but to glorify his name as he works through it to make us holy.

Understanding the purpose of marriage reorients our priorities in dating. It leads us to look for more than a companion, more than someone we think will make a good father or mother, more than someone who will satisfy our sexual desires. When we grasp God’s purpose for marriage, dating becomes an opportunity to find a man or woman who challenges us to love God more, one who’s committed to helping us see more of Jesus and look more like him.

2. Understand the aim of dating.

The Christian purity culture of the ’90s and early 2000s was in full blossom when I became a Christian at the end of college. Its leaders rightly emphasized the goodness of singleness, rejected the idea of casual dating (dating solely for the sake of dating), and emphasized the importance of intentionality in dating relationships. They called us to guard our hearts (Prov. 4:23) and not to awaken love too early (Song 2:7; 3:5; 8:4). That led some to kiss dating goodbye, opting instead to revive the practice of courtship, and others, like me, to drastically rethink their approach to dating. This wasn’t all bad. It made us realize that dating needed to have an aim.

The movement posited that the primary aim of dating was marriage. This meant that asking a girl out needed to sound something like, “I’d like to begin pursuing you with the intention of moving toward marriage.” I’m pretty sure I used almost those exact words to ask Jamie to begin dating long-distance. Talk about putting pressure on a relationship! If every date is a precursor to marriage, then you had better be certain this is “the one” before you ever start. While purity culture was right to say that dating needed to be aiming at something, it overshot and ultimately missed the mark.

If the primary aim of dating isn’t marriage, then what is it? I would argue that the aim of Christian dating is God-honoring clarity.³ The purpose of dating isn’t to begin moving toward marriage. The purpose of dating is to determine if the person you’re dating is the man or woman God would have you marry, if your union would be pleasing to the Lord (Eph. 5:8b–10). Dating should be a time of prayerful, careful discernment. When a couple begins dating with the mutual understanding that their aim is clarity, it takes significant pressure off the dating relationship. When clarity is the aim, asking someone out to dinner or coffee isn’t saying, “I’d like to begin pursuing you with the intention of moving toward marriage.” It’s simply saying, “I’d like to get to know you beter.” I’ll say more about how to seek clarity in point six below.

3. Don’t start too soon.

Let me be up front. As a general rule, I don’t think high schoolers should date. That’s primarily because I don’t think high schoolers are ready to embrace the responsibilities of marriage (Eph. 5:22–33; Col. 3:18–19). More than that, I don’t think the vast majority of high schoolers who want to date even have marriage on their radar when it comes to the “why” of their desire (see point one above). If the aim of dating is clarity, then marriage has to be a part of the equation. Dating in high school isn’t practice for dating in adulthood. “Liking” a boy or girl isn’t a reason to date.

To be ready to date, a young person needs to understand and embrace the purpose of marriage. A young man needs to understand and embrace what being a husband entails. He needs to be ready, willing, and able to lead, protect, and provide for a wife. He needs to be able to lead her spiritually (Eph. 5:25–30). A young woman needs to understand and embrace what being a wife entails. A young woman needs to be ready, willing, and able to take on the responsibility of helping and submitting to her husband. Both need to be ready, willing, and able to embrace the gift of children if God should see fit to grant them (which could be much sooner than the young couple expects). And both need to be ready, willing, and able to leave their parents and hold fast to their spouse (Gen. 2:24).

Parents, I encourage you to start having conversations about dating with your children before they enter the teen years. Teach them the purpose of marriage. Explain to them the aim of dating. Explain why you don’t think dating in high school is wise. Teach them how to relate well to the opposite sex. Encourage them to build God-honoring friendships with boys and girls and to enjoy those relationships without the pressure of feeling like they should be “going out” (or whatever teens call it these days) with someone. Encourage them to attend things like homecoming and prom with a group rather than a date. And spend lots of time talking about what they ought to be looking for in a spouse when they do begin dating as an adult.

4. Don’t wait too long.

According to the US Census Bureau, in 2024, the median ages of a couple getting married for the first time were 30.2 for the man and 28.6 for the woman.⁴ When Jamie and I got married back in 2006, the average ages were 27.5 and 25.5, respectively. These numbers have steadily risen for decades, even among evangelicals. While the rise is due in large part to our secular culture’s views on the importance of marriage and the normalization of cohabitation as a viable alternative, that isn’t the only reason.

Another common reason for waiting to pursue marriage is a desire for financial and career stability. This, I suspect, is the more common reason for the increase in age among evangelicals. Brother, sister, if this is you, let me challenge you to reconsider your reasons for waiting to pursue marriage. Scripture nowhere demands a specific set of academic or career achievements as a prerequisite for marriage. Nor does it define being able to provide by our ability to reach a specific annual income or own our own home. What it does say is that, unless we are firmly established in our hearts that we have the gift of singleness (and with it the ability to keep our sexual desires under control), we ought to pursue marriage (1 Cor. 7:6–7, 25–38).

Brother, sister, don’t let worldly standards determine your readiness to pursue marriage. No position in your company, no amount of money in your bank account, can tell you that you’re ready. If you desire to be married, have a job, or are on the path to one, and the only thing that’s keeping you from pursuing marriage is a desire to get to a place of financial or career stability, let me encourage you. Talk to a trusted brother or sister at Mount Vernon about your desire, preferably one who is already married. Share your reasons for waiting, and ask for their honest input. My guess is that they’ll encourage you not to wait any longer.

5. Don’t start without an established pattern of sexual purity.

If you have a porn problem or another pattern of sexual sin in your life, you aren’t ready to date yet. Nothing has the power to destroy a dating relationship and devastate a future marriage like sexual immorality does. At its root, sexual immorality is selfish. It uses another person for its own personal pleasure (whether physical or relational). It makes sex all about taking to satisfy your desires—for pleasure, intimacy, control, security, etc.—rather than selflessly giving out of a desire to serve the other person. And, contrary to popular belief (at least among men), marriage isn’t going to change that. Sexual self-control won’t magically materialize in your life when you say, “I do.” If your life is presently marked by a pattern of selfishly taking sex, you aren’t ready to pursue marriage and the selfless giving of sex it requires (1 Cor. 7:3).⁵ And that means you aren’t ready to date.

Just to be clear here, I’m not saying that anyone who has struggled with pornography use or sexual immorality in the past shouldn’t be dating. What I am saying is this: If you have a “regular and consistent current pattern” of struggling with pornography or any other kind of sexual sin, you should not be dating.⁶ Instead, you should be laboring by God’s grace and with the help of others in the church to begin the process of putting your sexual sin to death.

When should someone who struggles with sexual sin start dating? When your life is marked by a disciplined pursuit of the means of grace, a vibrant and growing relationship with the Lord, faithful engagement in the church, regular, proactive accountability,⁷ and consistent, sustained victory (anywhere from 6 to 8 months without incident) over sexual sin. If you are currently dating someone and that last sentence doesn’t describe your life (or theirs), I’d strongly encourage you to hit pause on your relationship. Step away entirely, engage fully in the fight for sexual purity, and trust the Lord to do what’s best with that relationship while you do what is best for your soul and for your future soulmate, whoever he or she may be.⁸

6. Know what you are looking for.

Imagine trying to go deer hunting if you’d never seen a deer and had no idea what one looked like. You might come home with something in the back of your truck, but it probably wouldn’t be a deer. Or, imagine that you know what a deer looks like, but the image you have in your mind is that of a flawless 16-point buck. If that’s the only deer you are willing to shoot, odds are you’ll come home empty-handed. Now, please don’t take the analogy too far. I’m not saying that dating is like deer hunting. What I am saying, though, is that the only way to get the clarity that you’re aiming for in dating is to know what you’re looking for and to make sure that you aren’t looking for something that doesn’t exist.

Let’s start with what you ought to be looking for.⁹ First, the person needs to be a Christian. If you are a Christian, Paul’s command is clear: “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers” (2 Cor. 6:14). The Bible doesn’t have a category for missionary dating. Second, the person needs to be an active member of a local church. You cannot thrive as a Christian apart from a vital connection to Christ’s body (1 Cor. 12:12–27). Don’t date someone who doesn’t have a proven track record of walking with the Lord in the context of a local church, even if they are willing to start coming to church with you after you start dating.

Third, don’t just look for “an attractive person of the opposite sex who ‘loves Jesus.’”¹⁰ While attraction and compatibility certainly play an important part in determining whether or not you ought to marry someone, they aren’t the most important things. Far more important is the question of whether they possess the godly character qualities that would make them a suitable spouse (e.g., Ruth 2:1; Prov. 20:6–7; 31:10–31; 1 Pt. 3:3–4). In his helpful book, Dating with Discernment, Sam A. Andreades suggests that clarity in a dating relationship is found by asking and answering the right questions. Below is a sample of the kinds of questions a dating couple ought to be asking as they pursue clarity in their relationship:¹¹

What pieces of the fruit of the Spirit do I see in his/her life (Gal. 5:22–23)?
Is he/she a person of integrity (Prov 19:1; Matt. 5:37)?
Is he/she humble (Phil. 2:1–4)?
Have I been growing in my relationship with Christ as a direct result of our dating relationship (Heb. 10:24)? How?
Can he protect me physically and spiritually (Gen. 2:15–17)? // Can she help me become the man God calls me to be (Gen. 2:18)?
Do I respect him and trust him to lead me (and, if God wills, our family) to a place of spiritual flourishing (Eph. 5:25–29)? // Can she joyfully and respectfully follow my leadership even when we disagree (Eph. 5:22–24)?
Does he/she have a vibrant relationship with Christ and a biblical vision for living out the Christian life when it comes to work, finances, family, parenting, church, discipleship, etc. (Matt. 28:18–20; Col. 3:23–24; Eph. 6:4)?
Do we share the same vision of the God-honoring life when it comes to work, finances, family, parenting, church, discipleship, etc.? (Quick aside: It’s far more likely that this will be true if the two of you are members of the same church, or very like-minded churches.)
What do those who know me well think about this relationship? Do they see ways that he/she is helping me look more like Christ? Do they see any changes in me since we started dating?

Finally, don’t look for the perfect person. Instead, look for God’s perfect person for you. Marshall Segal helpfully explains, “God’s perfect person for each of us isn’t all that perfect. Every person who marries is a sinner. Therefore, the search for a spouse isn’t a pursuit of perfection but a mutually flawed pursuit of Jesus. It is a faith-filled attempt to become like him and make him known with another.”¹²Look for someone who faithfully, though imperfectly, will help you look more and more like Jesus and make much of him in the world.

7. Date with purity.

In 1 Timothy 5:2, Paul called Timothy (a single young man) to treat “younger women as sisters, in all purity.” The principle applies to both men and women and ought to mark all of our relationships, especially our dating relationships. We know this, and yet, far too many Christian dating relationships push the boundaries of sexual purity. And many, if not most of those relationships end with one or both parties haunted by some combination of heartache, hurt, guilt, shame, and regret.

Why do Christians who know better still end up pushing the bounds of sexual purity in their dating relationships? The easy answer is sin. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak (Matt. 26:14). That’s certainly true, but I’m convinced there’s more to it than that. At least two other realities contribute to the problem. For some couples, the problem is found in the fact that one or both entered into the dating relationship enslaved to sexual sin (see point five above). It’s naive to think that someone struggling to fight for sexual purity as a single will somehow be able to flip a switch and begin fighting for it once they begin dating.

For other couples, the problem is a fundamental flaw in their approach to dating. Rather than pursuing clarity before intimacy, they pursue “clarity through intimacy.^”¹³ In their attempt to determine if they ought to get married, they open themselves up emotionally, sharing their hearts (and often their bodies) with one another in ways that are only safe in the context of a committed covenant. Segal again offers sage advice: “Intimacy is safest in the context of marriage, and marriage is safest in the context of clarity. . . In our pursuit of clarity, we will undoubtedly develop intimacy, but we ought not do so too quickly or naïvely. Be intentional and outspoken to one another that, as Christians, intimacy before marriage is dangerous, while clarity is unbelievably precious.”¹⁴

Dating for clarity orders our priorities in a way that helps to guard the hearts (and bodies) of both parties. When clarity is our aim, it changes the way we think about the pursuit of sexual purity. We stop asking questions like, “How far is too far?” Instead, we ask questions like, “Is she committed to fleeing from sexual immorality, not just for my sake but for hers (1 Cor. 6:18)?” “Does he ‘know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God’? And, is he committed to my sanctification (1 Thess. 4:4–5)?” Moreover, when clarity is our aim, we can quickly part ways with anyone who evidences a lack of self-control and a willingness to compromise and transgress God’s commands to get what they want. That’s clearly not the kind of man or woman we want to marry.

8. Date in community.

No, I’m not about to make a case for chaperoned dates. Instead, I want to make a case for opening yourself up to the input and accountability of others in the church as you date. Please hear me out. Far too many singles start dating in secrecy, intending to open themselves up to the feedback of others only if the relationship becomes more serious. But if the aim of dating is God-honoring clarity, then the sooner we involve others, the better.

In Proverbs, Solomon repeatedly tells us that safety is found in a multitude of wise counselors (Prov. 11:14; 15:22; 20:18; 24:6). This is particularly true when it comes to the big decisions of life, like choosing whom you’ll marry. I would suggest seeking out at least three different kinds of counselors to ask for input and accountability in dating: (1) your parents (especially if they are godly), (2) an older, wiser married couple in the church (ideally your discipler and their spouse), and (3) godly friends who’ve known you for a while. If you are going on a first date, let them know a little about the person and ask them to pray. Share with them the details of your relationship as it unfolds, invite their input, and be willing to listen to what they have to say, even if it isn’t what you want to hear. All three groups can provide helpful insights into your relationship that you won’t be able to see if you go it alone.

With that in mind, let me offer an important word of counsel: If the person you are dating doesn’t want any outside eyes looking in on your relationship, that’s a big red flag. If they don’t want the eyes of older, wiser Christians on your relationship, that’s a big red flag too. Fools shun counsel. The wise seek it (Prov. 12:15). The kind of person you want to marry is the kind of person who invites and embraces the counsel of others.

9. Don’t drag your feet.

If the aim of dating is God-honoring clarity, dating relationships don’t need to last for years and years. Men, if you and those you’ve invited into your relationship are convinced the woman you are dating is the woman God would have you marry, and she and those in her life feel the same way, wonderful! “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” (Prov. 18:22). Begin moving toward marriage.

On the flip side, both men and women have an obligation to end a dating relationship as soon as they become convinced that the person they’re dating isn’t the person God would have them marry. Though this can be really difficult, it’s far more loving and God-honoring to end it as soon as you know than to allow the relationship to continue on even though you know it’s heading nowhere (Jas. 4:17). For your good, and for theirs, don’t drag your feet.

10. Don’t settle.

Dating can be exhausting. Prolonged singleness can be painful, especially when you have a strong desire to be married. The difficulty of both can make it tempting to settle for something less than God’s ideal in your dating relationships. Don’t. Don’t settle for a man who says he loves you and Jesus, but doesn’t love the church (Jn. 13:34–35). Don’t settle for a woman who’s physically attractive but lacks the true beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Pt. 3:4). If you find yourself trying to talk yourself into continuing on in a dating relationship because you worry you might not find anyone better, you don’t want to go back to being single, or you think that you’ll be able to “fix” the other person, you need to end the relationship.

If God would have you marry, he would have you marry a man or a woman who, though imperfect, is godly in all the right ways. You shouldn’t have to squint to somehow fit the person into the mold of a godly husband or wife. Trust him to provide in his perfect timing. Don’t settle for something less than God’s ideal for marriage. It’s entirely worth the wait.

SO MUCH LEFT UNSAID

Contrary to popular belief, the Bible has a lot to say about dating. These ten principles are only a portion of the guidance God offers to those desiring to be married. If that’s you, I’d encourage you to dig even deeper into the abundance of counsel contained in the Scriptures. A number of helpful resources exist to point you in the right direction. Here are a few I highly recommend:

Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness and Dating by Marshall Segal
Dating with Discernment: 12 Questions to Make a Lasting Marriage by Sam A. Andreades
She’s Got the Wrong Guy: Why Smart Women Settle by Deepak Reju
Danger Signs of an Unhealthy Dating Relationship by Lou Priolo

One of the biggest things I’ve left unaddressed (at least explicitly) in this article is the online dating scene. That’s because, to do it justice, the topic needs its own article. Certainly, all the principles above apply to online dating. But, so much more needs to be said. For example, I’ve yet to meet a Christian man who hasn’t struggled with sexual sin while using dating apps. I’m not saying they don’t exist, but given the number of data points I have, I think those men are few. Because of that, I counsel Christian guys to stay away from dating apps. Ladies, that reality should at least give you pause before using an app to find a date. Aaron has helpfully addressed some of the other potential dangers of online dating in a Letter to the Church Scattered entitled “Dating Culture and God’s Design.” You’ll find a link in the footnotes below.¹⁵ In it he points out that dating apps focus our attention on the external when the thing that matters most to God, and ought to matter most to us, is the internal. Dating apps fix our attention on person’s face, figure, and interests, when our attention ought to be on their heart, holiness, and character. While using dating apps isn’t inherently wrong, Christians need to be aware of their dangers and deficiencies.

So much more could be said, but I’ll leave it there for now.